Everybody Lives
by suchitis
Summary: Where we follow April's thoughts about the day of the college shooting. Set during 7x11.


**Note: I haven't written anything in first person before and I don't think I'm very good at it either, so tell me if you think this works. Thanks a lot!**

* * *

All patients that I'd seen were fine. Everyone I knew had lived. I couldn't save Reed or Charles, but I saved a cop. I helped save college kids who'd have a future ahead of them. I ran an outpatient unit and Hunt had faith in me as a trauma surgeon. It was a good day. God saved us from another tragedy.

All the ORs had been cleared out, except one. The one with the shooter.

_Ding!_

The elevator doors opened and I walked into OR 1 to see Christina. Dr. Webber, Meredith, and Dr. Shepherd were already sitting in the gallery. I looked around the saw Jackson at the other end. Without thinking I moved past Lexie and Alex to sit next to him. He looked up at me and his hand reached for mine. And we waited. More people filed into the room. When Robert Stark came in the room he shot Alex a look before sitting in front of Jackson. I looked over at Alex and he shook his head focusing on Altman and Christina. It looked like she was back.

_Thank you Jesus, for giving us back a friend and a wonderful doctor._

I didn't love Christina, she was mean to me and didn't appreciate me as a doctor. But she was a good doctor to her patients and a good friend to Meredith. She saved a man's life with a gun to her head and she was saving a shooter right now. She took her oath seriously and that made her a good doctor. I wonder if I would be able to stand in that OR and save the man's life. Maybe. Not now, but maybe in the future when I would be a better doctor. I could focus on the patient in front of me and save their lives because that was the promise I made to myself and God before becoming a doctor. But not today.

Doctor Webber told us that no one died, and suddenly we were all laughing. Stark walked out and gave Alex the stink eye as he passed. Maybe he would quit. He wasn't a doctor who would go to extreme measures to save his patients, and that's what we did here. Go to the extreme to save a life.

When Jackson and I drove home he told me that he walked out of the OR because he couldn't stand saving that man's life. Then he was angry that a hurt cop didn't get an OR, but the shooter did. I could tell that he was angry for having to be in that situation. I also knew that nothing I could say would help him.

"I broke the oath. I broke the oath because we're supposed to treat patients without discriminating April, but I couldn't do that." He hit the steering wheel as they stopped at a light. "I couldn't stand saving him after I knew what he had done."

And then I talked to Karev. He told me that his brother tried to kill his sister because he was sick. And if he had wound up in the hospital he'd like to know that the doctors tried to save his brother with all they had. Of course, after that I saw the shooter's mother because that had to happen after I refused to treat her son. She didn't know what had happened. She couldn't believe what he had done. She asked me if it made her a terrible person when all she wanted was her son to live, even after he was responsible for hurting so many people. He was going to commit suicide. He was sick. And his mother didn't deserve to go through all that. So I told her that her son lived after surgery."

"You did the right thing by going to her Jackson." I was looking at the passing trees outside the window while listening to his story.

"Do we have to make mistake before we become better people?" Jackson asked, with an edge to his voice. "Because our mistakes could cost people their lives. As doctors we can't afford to make mistakes, but it seems like the only way to learn in life. It's just _frustrating_ that we had to go through all that in order to reach where we are today. Now I'll never refuse a patient care because I did it once and felt guilt, not because I will be honoring my oath."

"Charles would have been proud of you," I said because I knew where he was going with all this. "Pissed at you leaving your patient, but proud with what you said to the mother."

After a moment of silence, Jackson asked quietly, "Do you want to take a detour before we go home?" I nodded and he took a U-turn down to the cemetery.

We spent half an hour there, just talking to our friends. It was the first time that Jackson and I had gone to their graves together after the funeral. He usually avoided going, and I visited every month. We told them everything that happened the past few months, imagined what they would say. We told them about how Jackon punched Alex and I said that Reed would have found that hot. We laughed after a long time, and breathed easy after finally saying we were sorry.

Before I went to my room, Jackson grabbed my hand and squeezed it. It was his way of telling me that he was there for me. I smiled and nodded before walking into my room and shutting the door behind me. Crawling to the side of my bed, with my elbows propped up on the mattress I prayed. For the hospital, for the victims, for the shooter's mother, for Reed and Charles. I prayed for Jackson because he might get nightmares tonight. I prayed for guidance and thanked Jesus for saving all the lives today.

We were doctors and sometimes we thought that we saved the patient, but we forget that sometimes in spite of our best efforts they die. It's all up to God and we really have no hand in whether someone lives of dies. We can only do what we're meant to and try our hardest to save them. No matter who they are.

* * *

**A/N: I hope that I was able to capture the essence of April's character through this piece. I really wanted to include the part where she prays, so please tell me if that worked. Please leave a review!**


End file.
